Burn the Boat

-2020

I could hear a clock ticking that others could not. Tickticktickticktick… Time tick-tocking by, a decision that was coming, that needed to be made, that would cement the affirmations I kept making every day. 

I had recently heard the phrase “You gotta burn the boats!” and I thought about how much more powerful that is than “leave the shore.” Leaving the shore feels like you’re giving yourself somewhere to swim back to if that which you’ve left that shore for isn’t working. But what if you burn the boat, trusting where you’ve landed, believing you are where you need to be, not giving yourself an easy out when things get hard?

Oh sure, idiom, idiom, idiom, but there is beautiful truth that lives there, and we lean on idioms for a reason: they work.

So, the clock was ticking, and then the time arrived to make the decision, and I decided to burn the boat without regret, without apologizing, without doubt.

The boat, of course, is the backup plan — letting go of the backup plan. 

Over a year ago, I started working on my vision for my life — my real vision, not the one that centers around how to get the bills paid, but rather the one that brings me to operating in my zone of genius, one that brings me joy, one that doesn’t include the one-size-fits-all survival gear I’ve worn for so long.

I started that conversation with myself while in an emotionally hard place, and I continued even when everything got harder, and then on as I stepped into a palette-cleansing job, and onward more into the global health crisis, etc. That’s probably what helped make space for the studio that is almost ready to open in my home — with my heart and mind open, I could hear. I could see the possibility. I could BELIEVE the possibility.

Twice before, I’ve tried to have a photo studio. One never came to fruition at all (doubt, fear, not my house), and the second time, well, I could hold it up as a failure but I gave myself grace a long time ago that life intervened and it is what it is, and I’m still here, and I’m back, and that’s all that matters. 

I don’t give up on dreams. 

So, I burned the boat — or plural, all the boats. Granted, the current state of the world sorta helped push the decision, but the courage I have right now ALSO given the current state of the world is something new and beautiful to me. 

I entered my studio today and just stood in the middle of it feeling happy, creative, and loved. All of my family has helped turn this room into something so much more. Even the house it exists in has its own happy story involving dear friends. Yet, I don’t feel pressure to make it big, to be a huge success. I just feel that support and love, and because I’m in the healthiest place I’ve ever been with myself, with the confidence I have, and with the routines I’ve put into place, and with the hard work I do, and with the creative talent and know-how I have, I know it will be a success.

I burned the boat because I believe. “What if…?” only hits in waves of success, not failure. I can. I will.

That’s where I live now.

To burn the boat also means not hopping back on to something else when the days are lean or hard. It means trusting that I can press on, create, be the artist I believe I was born to be.

Oh, I know there will be days when I wonder if I made a mistake, when fear stops by and tries to lie to me, but I also know who I am, what I can do, and how much support and love I have from everyone. I need only glance at the walls of the studio to forget about the rest. 

With that in mind, I re-entered my studio today, no tickticktickticking to be heard, set up my camera, picked up a big ole pile of tulle, and made art. This is who I am: a storyteller, an artist, a creative soul.

Bye-Bye Boat!