“I’m just tired,” I said yesterday, trying to sum up the turmoil within my heart. I was sitting in the car with a new friend, and after I said this, she held my hand and prayed over me. I felt the tears roll down my cheeks as I tried to concentrate on her words and echo them to God from my own heart. There weren’t many tears, but they were enough, a small crack in the dam that has been holding so much back.
I realized so many things yesterday. Things I had known, really, but had not yet put out into the world. Things God knows but was waiting for me to say out loud, to acknowledge.
Things have been changing quickly for me. I couldn’t see it on the surface because I was trying too hard to make physical changes happen. I was too busy being busy, trying to find my purpose, that I wasn’t really noticing what was going on in my heart and in my head. I’ve struggled with this new person I have become — AM becoming. I am challenged by my walk with God…and my stepping out onto the stage of life to say that, to say I AM trying so hard to walk with God.
I miss a few beats, fall behind, because I begin to worry: Am I too Christian for my old friends? Am I not Christian enough for my new friends? But I am then reminded, again and again, this walk is not about anyone else. It’s about God, me serving Him. And perhaps that is where I begin to falter again. Am I doing it right? Why do I feel so beat up and wrung out? Is that because of the walk, or am I doing it all wrong?
God, use me…and yet, I stay in such a self-induced state of confusion, I imagine him chuckling: “That’s my Angela. Always taking the long way.”
I came home yesterday from my four-hour (!!!) conversation and felt so drained, so emotional, raw…and challenged again. This wouldn’t be worth it if it were too easy. There is a place for me. God has gifted me with so much, and I will learn to slow down and listen, stop trying to be in control, stop trying to plan every step of my life without consulting Him.
This is me, stepping outside of my comfort zone, declaring to the world…I love God and I don’t care who knows it. I am not here to serve man. I am here to serve Him. And I beg that He uses me how He intends, and that I can stop getting in His way. I’m tired of worrying about people, and I’m tired of trying to be in control of it all. I let it go, God. I give it to You.
Psalms 139:23-24
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
by angklocke
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