The more I try to drive this bus, the more it tips over. Every ounce of my being screams “Run away, run away!” I feel lost and then found, lost and then found. Sometimes I wish I could care less about life, about keeping the balance, about what I want and dream and desire and see and feel and love and hate.
But as I stand on this first day of November, I am filled with hope. A new month always does that. I feel like I can push the ugliness of the previous month behind me and just shrug it off. I desire not to carry forth the weightiness of whatever went wrong. I lift my head and push forward. Instead I will challenge myself rather than wallow in pity. I will look at what I can do and try not to focus on what I can’t.
It’s NaNoWriMo time (National Novel Writing Month) and I have been sitting on this growing idea of a story for a while. In my last writers’ group meeting, a challenge from a fellow writer brought my book idea right to the surface. It hasn’t left me alone since. And while the goal of NaNoWriMo is to throw down 50,000 words in a month – a very loose, bad first draft – I simply want to participate this year in the effort of getting back into a routine of writing daily.
In a big way, I will be spending the rest of this year in a season of writing. I have realized that my current health situation needs me to rest, to just let my body slow down a little. My business partner and I had a little Halloween event going for our studio last night, handing out candy and taking pictures of kiddos who stopped by, and I quickly realized I had to release all control of the picture department. I cannot comfortably hold my camera for even a minute. Lifting it up to try to get settings in place was almost too much. And using a tripod feels like the worst kind of creative prison for me, someone who needs to move around, bend, squat, turn to get the image I have in mind. So I’m trying to accept the message my body is sending me (screaming at me) and I will step away from business and photography (the physical side) for the remainder of the year.
The idea does make me want to run away and hide, but continuing as I have has pushed me into a ditch and it feels like all I do is set back my health progress every time I try to drive on. The only balance I can find right now is in rest, and the only way I feel I can rest is to sit back in the comfort of words. So I shall.
*I will also be re-reading “One Thousand Gifts” by Ann Voskamp to help me find that balance in life of what really is important, what I overlook on a daily basis, and to help me stay focused on what matters and take my eyes off of what does not.