I sometimes say my spiritual gifts are mercy, the ability to see others who are hurting, and sarcasm. Minus maybe that last one (but it IS a gift, I tell ya!). Recently, I connected with another wounded soul and I found myself repeating to her, “I see you. I see you. I see you.” It took me a bit to realize where that was coming from.
In this great big world full of millions of souls, it’s easy to believe you’re no one, nothing, especially if you’ve spent more than half your life feeling worthless. Trying to grasp even a wisp of worth and believing it is…hard.
I am not worthy.
Those are my words, the target issue I’m facing and digging at and dealing with.
I am not worthy.
As I put this puzzle of me together, these links that connect to help me better understand why I am the way I am (defensive, indecisive, scared, doubtful, angry, hurt, etc.) and why I’ve made decisions I’ve made (going to school when I didn’t really want to, sabotaging my writing career, etc.), it seems to boil down to that: No self-worth.
I am not worthy of love, of friendships that are genuine, of people liking me without them getting something in return (people using me), of success, of achievement, of anything. I am not worthy of happiness, of beauty (ask me why I cut all my hair off every couple of years), of joy.
All my life – those first 22 years – I was merely existing. I felt like nothing. My worth was only in what I could do for others. Otherwise, what value did I have? For as long as I can remember, I felt invisible, except for when they saw me, and when they saw me, it was never with kind or loving eyes. It was as if I were an apparition, floating in and out of their lives, mere worthless bits of energy that took up space and made noise, only worthy as a target for vicious words or the lashing of belts or … other things.
Intellectually, I know I have worth, that I am valuable. I can reason out that I am loved and people do like me for me. But emotionally? That is where I falter. That is my weakness, my kryptonite (that’s for you, my love). But I realized that what I was saying to my new young friend last week – “I see you. I see you. I see you.” – was what I was hearing myself.
I SEE YOU.
I’m not invisible. I’m not worthless. I’m not unloved.
In fact, I feel like God has put me on display often. I feel like He’s sent words my way repeatedly to show how I’m appreciated, cared for, worthy, that what I do matters. And He has placed so many amazing people in my life. The dark clouds of worthlessness have been so thick that I haven’t seen, not clearly, but I’ve been seen.
I don’t expect that my saying the words “OK, I get it, I’m worthy” will suddenly change me. But I’m coming up. (That’s another message I’m hearing. “Be still. You’re coming up.”) We’ve gone beyond the stirring of the pot right into major construction and remodeling. I’ve left a land of slavery of and to my past, and now I’m wandering in the desert, but soon, I’m coming up. God sees me.
He sees me. He sees me. He sees me.
And you know what? Through my tears, I see me too. And I am filled with hope, expectation, desire, and a new kind of joy and anticipation. I’m coming up.
Until then, I’ll be content to these lessons in the desert, preparing me for something so much greater than I ever could have imagined for myself. I’ve wandered and rested here these many years, but now I’m coming up.
“She gave this name to the Lord who spoke to her: ‘You are the God who sees me,’ for she said, ‘I have now seen[a] the One who sees me.’”
New International Version (NIV)
Bible in 90(ish) Days Challenge
This Week -– Leviticus 10 – Judges 4, Matthew 11-20, and Psalms 26-50
(90 Days: May 27, 2012 – September 3, 2012)