I am tired.
My heart is worn out. Wrung dry.
I am also full of joy and smiles and anticipated expectation of all good things.
Life: It’s not for the weak at heart. I’ve wavered back and forth on what and how to write all that is in my heart right now, starts and stops, and never mind. Since when am I so reluctant to just spill what I’m thinking, feeling?
The last couple of weeks have been full of parenting woes and lost friendships and releasing and letting go and grabbing hold of tighter. So many emotions, so many tears, so many pains, so many laughs, so many praises.
I know that following Christ is not the wide and easy road. I know this and I know this and I know this, yet it never ceases to surprise me when things turn upside down when I close my eyes for just one moment.
I remember some of the trials my eldest son went through (and still does, though he’s better equipped to deal with those instances now), where the moment he did something that didn’t fit in line with his Christian standing, people would race to point it out to him. This is something I’m going through now more than ever. I know that as I step out more and profess my love and devotion more, I put myself in position to be mocked and knocked around. I find myself in relationships that are no longer good for me, but I hold on to love them, and instead I get punched in the gut. And I knew all along they weren’t good for me, but I thought I could make them work.
But the moment I don’t live up to one’s expectations, the moment I drop the ball in favor of what’s going on in my own home, the moment I don’t give until it hurts, the fingers, they point.
You are a hypocrite!
So I am.
Sometimes I still lie. Sometimes I still gossip. Sometimes I still act badly out of anger. Sometimes I cuss and rant and rave.
I don’t think I’m perfect. Following Christ doesn’t make me perfect, either. It just means I’M TRYING. I’m trying to be better than I was. I’m trying to be honest, to love anyway when someone hurts me, to give even when I question the reason, to shut my mouth and not speak when others want me to join in the gossip. I’m trying…but I also fail.
As long as I’m on this earth, I will mess things up. I will mess up as a wife, as a parent, as a daughter, as a sister, as a friend, and especially as a Christian. Those who truly love me and care about me will offer me grace and the chance to begin anew, to fix my mistakes, and those who are just watching for my failures won’t ever be disappointed. I can only hope they will also learn that my mistakes in no way reflect the beautiful and perfect love our Father has for us regardless.
I am sad and hurt and at a loss over relationships that end (three this year), but I also know that I’m on a beautiful road away from People-Pleasing, straight on toward God-Pleasing. In the end, that’s what matters most. What I want isn’t always the same as what God wants for me, and I have to accept that sometimes it means certain relationships. It hurts at times, but He always brings me closer to others to fill the holes in my heart.
Being human isn’t easy. But God has amazing plans for me, and while I know this road will only get harder to follow, I also know He won’t abandon me. It will all be worth it.
I am alive!