agk’s beautiful life » snapshots of a work-in-progress life

I will not be silent!

But you already knew that, didn’t you?

THIS IS HOW IT ENDS*
at Violence Unsilenced
 
 
*Some of you may recognize this essay. It was written several years ago.

-The Godfather : Part III

Canon 350D, 50mm lens

I find it quite a hardy-har-har that I’ve been doing more writing than ever since the day I declared I was allowing myself to let it go. OK, sure, I’m not pitching anything or sending out work for publication, and most of it is for school (not a whole lot of time for much else), but in the in-between? The moments of quiet before the kids get up, or before I fall asleep at night, or while editing photos…my mind takes little trips into essays, fictional worlds, and back to the book I need to edit. Need? Seems to be that way.

Perhaps it is the very idea that I allowed myself to have it part of my life without being my career of choice that has helped. I don’t know. What I DO know is I can’t shut it off!

We are each gifted in a unique and important way. It is our privilege and our adventure to discover our own special light. -Mary Dunbar

I suppose I don’t do well with ONLY — I can ONLY do this or ONLY do that. That comes as no surprise (neither to me or you, I assume). When choosing a major for college, I can’t seem to settle on just one; I feel this need to double it. I can’t ONLY take portraits. I can’t ONLY write for school. I can’t ONLY be one person. Is it my personality? Am I an overachiever trapped in a mortal body with too few hours in the day to accomplish anything?

I think I’m out. I think I’m done. I’m sure of it. And then…that gentle persuasion of ideas, that whisper of “come on back, you’re not done,” that gripping notion of one more thing to write grabs me, holds me, refuses to let me go. I am told over and over, “Wow, what a gift you have with words. Don’t waste it.” (Most recent comment from a classmate.) I feel guilty for saying I’m done, because what if this was a gift for me to reach others and I’m not using it right anymore?

Methinks I do ponder too much, look too deeply into everything. But, alas, that is who I am, love me or leave me.

***NOW SEE THIS - and then laugh some more.***

Did you say you wanted to learn patience as a photographer? How to keep trying even when the subject is unruly?

Canon 350D, 50mm lens

Canon 350D, 50mm lens

Canon 350D, 50mm lens

Oh my gosh do you have to be quick with her! And auto focus will not cut it, so you have to be even faster! Or you get this:

Canon 350D, 50mm lens

This chase is kind of what I was doing while gearing up for this:

Canon 350D, 50mm lens

Editing a novel. This isn’t the easiest subject I’ve ever had, either!

“Listen.”

“OK, I am.”

“REALLY listen.”

“OK.”

“What do you want?”

“I think–”

“No! Don’t think. What do you really want?”

“I…ummm…”

“Do you want to be a journalist?”

“No.”

“Do you see yourself in business? Being a speaker all the time?”

“No.”

“What do you WANT?”

“I…”

“Why can’t you say it?”

“I can!”

“Then say it.”

“I want…”

“JUST SAY IT!”

“How about I just do it?”

“Then do it. Begin now.”

Canon 350D

Canon 350D

Canon 350D

If you are still talking about what you did yesterday, you haven’t done much today.
-Author Unknown

When the world says, “Give up,”
Hope whispers, “Try it one more time.”
-Author Unknown

I always keep this quote in mind…because I have to remember to always try one more time.

-PhotoHunt-

That’s the title of the book I will be writing for NaNoWriMo. And just what makes you think it might be based on stuff I’ve been through with myself? HA!

I’m just taking a break to come up for air from school work and work itself…to remind you to, uh, you know…take breaks, enjoy days off, live life, and remember that bad days with bad thoughts pass. Make no decisions on bad days. Let them pass in thought only. Allow yourself to think and feel, but sometimes, you simply cannot act on the pains, frustrations, or confusions that fill your life.

And don’t be so hard on yourself.

All I know about my book is that my aim is to make it funny, to find the humor in the ways and whys of my past quittings. To not take myself so seriously. To be nicer to me because I just am who I am, and the sooner I can accept that, the better off I’ll be.

And speaking of not taking one’s self too seriously, here’s a little trip down memory lane in honor of the husband renewing his own creative self.

Remember this?

Aaaahhhh…good times. And yes, that’s a real set of black eyes from the weight of the plaster on my already sensitive and cracked nose.

At any rate, coming soon…John M. Klocke, Special Effects Artist!

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind. ~Dr. Seuss

As we get closer to November and NaNoWriMo, I have been asked by a friend at work how in the world I really plan to write a whole novel in a month. The truth is, I can’t even go by “I’ve done it once so I can do it again,” because in 2006, I wasn’t working AND attending school. I wrote that book in 17 days - a true miracle for me. This time? Who knows…

This is what my life looks like these days:

Sunday - 9 a.m. Sunday school class; 10:30 church services; home by noon — relax, but usually it’s catch up on homework day.

Monday - Up at 5 a.m.; out the door at 7:30 for an 8:30 class; home by 1:30 p.m.; homework until kids get home; reading, relaxation, cooking dinner.

Tuesday - Grocery shopping and errands; study for whichever test I’ll have the next day (there always seems to be at least one); household chores; off to work at 4 p.m. till close (up until recently, I was working double shifts on Tuesdays); collapse in bed somewhere around 11 p.m.

Wednesday - See Monday, except…off to work at 4 p.m. till close.

Thursday - Go back to bed most Thursdays after kids leave for school because I’m just that tired; meet with area coach at 3 p.m. to train to be RGM; work 5 p.m. until close; collapse in bed somewhere around midnight.

Friday - Victim’s Advocate class from 8 a.m. until 2 p.m. (well, something already removed, but I left it in as an example of how things change so rapidly — I am unable to do this now as my schedule is too full); managers’ meet at 3:30; work from 4 until close (close at 10 on this night); collapse in bed around midnight again.

Saturday - Sleep in as long as possible (luckily the whole family likes to sleep in) unless I’m needed at work to cover a shift; housework, time with kids, time with husband; off to work at 4 until close (again, 10 p.m.); collapse in bed eventually, whenever, only to begin again first thing Sunday morning.

Somewhere in there, I find myself at the orthodontist’s office, or conferences, or walking the dog, or paying the bills.

I love my life, I truly do. But I have to have just a touch of insanity to even want to attempt this NaNoWriMo thing, and yet, here I go!

PS - I’m out of that pesky valley I was hanging in for a few days. Thanks for bearing with me. How about some sunny, happy photos!

This shot just cracks me up. My boy always keeps an eye on his mommy, even when he’s busy trying to hang his head out the window on country road drives.