agk’s beautiful life » snapshots of a work-in-progress life

I begin almost every morning in some sort of quiet time with myself and my bible, journal, daily devotional, and coffee (candles optional). In case you haven’t realized it, I’m a huge thinker. I think and rethink as often as my heart beats. My mind is constantly working on a new fix, be it work-related, career-related, or self-related.

This morning, after my readings, I settled in at the computer to work on my school schedule for next semester. I am sure I wore out the refresh button on Firefox as I tried day after day to access the new online listing of schedules (early registration is this next Monday and I wanted to be ready!). This semester has been quite the roller coaster for me, but I stand behind earlier statements I made about loving it, truly.

My problem last week stemmed more from the job woes, if that makes sense. In a sort of random and erratic episode of feelings, I convinced myself that leaving school for the J.O.B. was the best thing to do. But you know what? We’ve never been money people. Perhaps that is what makes me such a good candidate to be my artist self — money is not the destination I seek. Happiness is.

Last night, I sighed kind of loudly, expressing outwardly without realizing it the constant turmoil and confusion in my head. A co-worker asked, “Are you OK?” I smiled. “Sure!” I said. “It’s just…my work life sucks.” “Well, that’s pretty specific,” she said. “Yeah, well, I think the rest of my life is beautiful. I’m just feeling even more discombobulated than usual about my work life.”

And it’s true. Ever since I’ve pursued this direction of management, I’ve felt more and more unsettled. This week, meeting the new area coach and having my raise granted to me, I just felt…like I was selling out. To myself. To who I am. All for what, the pursuit of more money?

I don’t feel I am the right person for this job. I think I’m too nice for it, to be honest. And I think I take my work too close to my heart to be effective. I lead with my emotions more often than not. I don’t know how to be the hardnosed boss I am expected to me, and frankly, do I really want to learn how to do that? I’m a care-free, mellow person. I personally don’t care if you wear a funky belt with your uniform — I’m all about expression as long as it doesn’t hurt someone or break the rules. And apparently it does break the rules, as I found out when I was TOLD to remove my Halloween earrings (little Wizard of Oz-ish earrings that so many customers LOVED!) because it was wrong. Have I mentioned how I hate for people to tell me how to look? Guess it’s a good thing my hair was a normal color again…

I believe I have great leadership qualities, and people look to me and up to me, but I don’t believe I have what it takes in this kind of world. I haven’t felt good about the decision to pursue being the RGM since, well, the day it came up. But, like usual, I felt I needed to be the one to do something since the store was going to hell in a hand basket. Now? We have a great new manager, and I really feel I can do better work supporting him. I don’t HAVE to be the boss all the time!

So I thought on these feelings this morning. And as I chose my classes for next semester and reviewed my grades thus far for this one*, I couldn’t help but decide once and for all, this is where I have to draw the line. I can’t sell myself out. School is important to me, as is my creative self. Working as an RGM will not only take away from school, but I feel I will slowly die inside. Is that too dramatic? I don’t think so, honestly.

Yesterday I told my public speaking teacher I’d be happy to give a presentation at the Women’s Re-entry Program. Maybe I’ll find myself speaking more, and maybe it will lead to filling the gap in our finances. Or maybe this whole dream of mine could really work out. If I believe and work at it as much as I was working toward something I didn’t really want, doesn’t that mean it’s possible? Because if I follow my heart, surely the rest will all come together. And I’ll be a happier self all the way around. I have to put my hope into that.

Perhaps the raise will be revoked, or perhaps I’ll be demoted entirely (of course, how badly would that hurt considering last night I had to quickly deliver some pizzas because the day driver had to leave before the night drivers arrived, and I suddenly found my hourly rate doubled in the matter of 15 minutes). Perhaps being passed over was, as I said before, the decision being made for me to avoid my ending up somewhere I thought I should be but didn’t really need to be.

*My grades right now are: Math, 92; Public Speaking, 97; and PC Applications, 96. And YES! I did well on yesterday’s math test. I made a 95!!!

My chosen classes for next semester are:

Mondays & Wednesdays
8:30-9:45 Pre-Algebra**
10:00-11:15 English Comp. I
11:30-12:45 Intercultural Communications
1:00-2:15 20th Century World History

Fridays @ Downtown Studio
8:30-10:10 Digital Photography I

**For those just tuning in, I’m quite weak in math, so nope, these aren’t college-level math classes yet.

See? Does it LOOK like I have time for the RGM thing? What’s MORE important? This, I say.

These are the days of my life. (and like this, there are many words in my head, constant)

Why always “not yet”? Do flowers in spring say “not yet”? ~Norman Douglas

Thursday - Demand raise? (Well, ask for one politely but sternly.) Check.

Was told it’s only a maybe, and at what kind of raise, who knows…but I named my price. Now I wait.*

Monday Morning - Cry in public speaking class? Check.

I’ll admit it, I wasn’t ready to give my most recent speech. Time has been so limited, I felt my most unprepared. But that was nothing compared to how I felt when the teacher informed me it was make-up day and I had a speech to make up. A speech I had previously thought she said was OK not to do since she didn’t really get to see everyone give theirs at the zoo. A speech I had long since put out of my mind.

“I guess I’ll take a zero,” I said, feeling the tears well up. (And just what IS IT with all the crying lately?) “You won’t even try?” she asked. I swallowed the lump in my throat. I didn’t answer.

But then I said “to hell with it,” and I took a moment to recall as much information as I could about my zoo animal, trying to remember what all I wrote weeks ago, and then choked back the blubbering that was threatening to overtake me. I gave my speech the best I could, and then had to turn around and do the new one.

I was shaking like a leaf, and then my teacher said she wanted to torture me some more. Luckily, she only meant by way of asking me to consider giving my speech for the Women’s Re-entry Program. I guess if a professional speaker thinks I should be speaking more, I should take that as high compliments!

(After, I went to see an advisor and I changed my major once and for all to photography.)

Monday Afternoon - Go to interview with photo studio. Done.

It might not be creative work, but it’s definitely more in the photography direction than the restaurant is. By evening, I received a call back for a second interview.

Tuesday - Second interview. Not Done.

Contract and details sent via e-mail. Not an option for me. Sounds too much like a J.O.B. to me. Hear me out: You work approximately 3 days a week, having traveled to wherever they have set you up with approximately 150 families. ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY! Sounds like an assembly line to me.

“Next. — Smile. — *click* — Have a nice day. — Next.”

Talk about something that would zap all my creativity and love of photography. Not to mention the part where the days before the “sessions” I’d have to call all these people to be sure they are still coming. Not to mention the part where I can’t advertise my own business or have one as long as I work for them. Not to mention the part where the contract sounded too suspicious. I passed.

To change one’s life: Start immediately. Do it flamboyantly. No exceptions. ~William James

But it really made me think.

I also stopped in on Monday at a studio that had previously advertised for an assistant. (I was too late for the position, but I was invited to stop by anyway.) And though the owner wasn’t in, I fell in love. From the moment I walked in and saw everything (and smelled the delicious scents she had filled the studio with), that old feeling came rushing back. I want a studio!

Which brings us to…figuring it all out so I can achieve what I wish to achieve. Practice, practice, practice as a photographer. Shoot away, constantly. Learn. Study. Do this, for heaven’s sake!

While I love the idea of being an on-location photographer, and I expect to do just that, I also love the idea of having a place that is just for photography, for making beautiful memories for families (and I don’t mean the kind where you stand in front of a blue background and I make you say “Bananas!”), and for displaying my scenes of Colorado and my more artsy kinds of shots. I even love the idea of sharing space with my husband, where he would work on his special effects in one room while I do the lovely stuff in another (his will inevitably be the scary stuff, but hey, some people will be drawn to that, and oh yes do I ever have ideas on how he and I can collaborate, and I love Tonya’s husband’s idea of the flip business card, found here).

I’d very much love it if we could find a home that offers just such the perfect area, where we could both find ourselves eventually working from home. How beautiful that would be!

You may delay, but time will not. ~Benjamin Franklin

I move onward with the RGM thing at work for one reason: It’s a J.O.B. that I can count on right now, and one that leads to much better income…that can help better afford the ideas and hopes (and equipment, let’s face it) I have (need). And it’s not forever. Lord knows it’s not, even if I wanted it to be. Eventually, all RGMs are fired, and those who aren’t fired become trainers or area coaches…who are on call…and drained. That’s not the life for me.

I’m an artist. Time to start really acting like one.

*So, I got the raise. Not a bad one, either. But at what price? I shall elaborate another day. For now, I have to focus on the math test I have today. Wish me luck. This stuff gets harder every day!

I only wish the news had been broken to me in this same way, with puppy pictures…

Because how could you be mad if you’re looking at cute puppy pictures?

Such sweetness to go along with frustrating news.

Our RGM has moved to a new store.

And I was passed over.

Despite all things pointing to the fact that I was supposed to take over my store.

Including pretty words like, “When *NAME* leaves, you’ll take over, whether it’s tomorrow or six months from now.”

So much for that!

Stupid emotions. I went in the freezer and cried. I sniveled to God that I know He has His plans, but dang it if I don’t feel used right now.

Alas, we can’t always get what we want, and sometimes perhaps we are protected from what we think we want.

Who knows?

Well, He does.

*Not my dog. Was babysitting her. Shortly after these shots, she began to really hate me. Because I tried to put her leash on her to take her outside. Her hate manifested itself into scary growling, in which I informed her she could just pee her pants then, thankyouverymuch.

Shutter Sisters Photo Challenge: Spell it out

I actually didn’t intend to seek anything out, especially since time is already so limited. However, this morning, as I walked past my daughter’s bedroom door, I knew I had to capture the message she’d left.

Life has been a series of ups and downs lately, all mostly involving work. Saturday, which marked 3 whole months without missing a single day of work (an accomplishment of great proportions for me, you see), was almost my last day. On Friday, I gave 24 hours for a situation to be rectified, else I was out. Or at least out as a manager. I was told one thing, and then that one thing was taken back. Basically, the pay I was promised was not what I was going to get. And I said, “Not acceptable.”

Yeah, me.

I stood up for myself.

And I won.

Imagine that!

Today is my day off. And I’m going to have a happy one. Hope you do, too!

So, today I am NOT in class as I should have been. When my co-worker and I were within spitting distance of the training store, her cell rang. Class canceled. I said…I SAID!…I wouldn’t believe it was happening until I was IN class, and ah ha! Canceled. They SAY they will cram it all into class next Saturday, but really? I just don’t believe it. And so I lost a day’s work because my shift has already been filled by someone else.

Whatever shall I do with my time now?

Laundry?

Yeah, that. But also, hey, a sunset! (from the other day, of course)

Canon 350D

And…I’ll now even attempt to catch up on e-mail!