agk’s beautiful life » snapshots of a work-in-progress life

You know, for a girl who’s had stitches about 22 times in my life, you would think I’d play it safe. But NO!

I went skateboarding today. Now, let’s stop there. Those words alone should strike fear in your heart. If not for me, then at least for the people around me. Let’s just say…Bella Swan ain’t got nothin’ on me!

So, I went and it was going well. Which is probably when I should have removed my protective gear, tucked it away in the trunk, and got back in the car to study. But an event with me can’t end properly if I don’t hurt myself.

The first time I fell, I…what? Oh yes, there was a first time that didn’t hurt quite badly enough, I guess. So the first time I fell, it was doing something I’d already done. I’d already done it successfully a few times. Why I fell, I have no idea. I just did. Gravity and all that. But I determined I would not let this fall make me too scared to get back up and keep trying. Because my last fall was over a year and a half ago, and we see how long I let fear percolate.

I got back up. Skated straight and even. Then watched some bowl skating, and then I got into a bowl, and then…ummm…one minute I was up, and the next I was not.

My first thought was…honest to God…”oh hey, this would make a cool shot!” The way the top of the bowl was framing the blue sky was pretty cool. Might not have ever seen this angle if I hadn’t have biffed it!

Then I heard, “That pain in your butt is normal!” from another bowl skater, who I blame for egging me on to get back in one more time. Peer pressure. GAH!

Husband says he wasn’t worried, but he sounded panicked to me. Or maybe that was just the ringing in my head.

The worst part - besides the part where I wondered how many people saw me, or the part where I had to get up without falling back down - was trying to get back out of the bowl. You see, they don’t typically have stairs. They’re deep. Most skaters get out like this - skating straight up and out (usually catching their boards in one smooth move).

Canon EOS 40D, 24-70mm lens
I did not take this picture today because I was too busy being a poser. I took this on a day when I was being the photographer that I really am.

If you don’t know how to skate out, you have to run really fast and heave yourself out. Which I could not do. And I tried and failed by sliding back into the bowl, further encouraging anyone who desired to do so to say, “Here’s your sign!”

The same peer-pressure-bowl-skater looked down and said, “Oh well, guess you’re stuck until you learn how to skate out.” (All in good humor. I think.)

Finally, the husband caught me and hauled me out, where I tried to look all cool and not hurt at all.

Except for the part where people saw me lying inside the bowl, unwilling to move for a while. And the limp. And the fact that I was saying “Oww oww oww oww!” while holding my left wrist.

Both falls, I landed on my left wrist and hip. But I’m stubborn, so I wouldn’t let the husband take me to the hospital right away, even though I couldn’t really move my wrist. Instead, I made him take me grocery shopping first. And then home to ice it. But I decided it was only feeling worse, so I went. I’m in a splint now and I await a radiologist report. It smarts, quite honestly. My pelvic area now hurts, as does my neck and shoulders (like whiplash), and you should SEE my hip (but let’s not and say you did).

But you know what? I’m glad I did it. I really don’t want to let fear keep me from trying things in life. I tried it, and it wasn’t for me, so I’ll just stick to watching and photographing it.

So, I hang up my skateboard and let it go. This is the only skateboarding I’ll do from now on.

Canon EOS 40D, 24-70mm lens
It hurt to take this shot. But I do anything for all of you…

But, maybe BMX? Yeah, that’s the sport for me!

Canon EOS 40D 10.1MP Digital SLR Camera, 24-70mm lens

I’m thankful that I’m not always sick like this. That, in fact, I’ve been healthy longer in the last almost-year than I was in the previous two years.
 
 

Canon EOS 40D 10.1MP Digital SLR Camera, 24-70mm lens

Even though I find it challenging, I’m really thankful that I can “attend” college from home, especially on days when I can barely move. (I’m surrounded here by my psychology and English work.)
 
 

Canon EOS 40D 10.1MP Digital SLR Camera, 24-70mm lens

I am so thankful for technology, more now than ever — as it allows us to communicate with my son, who is currently in India.
 
 

And thus ends a full month of The One Word Project. Thank you, Shutter Sisters, for the idea and fun. I found it challenging at times to really focus in on what I have to be thankful for. Some days it was easy and obvious, and other days, like being sick, it was tougher to find … But I enjoyed it!

Sometimes I wonder if this is what it’s like to have an addiction, or rather, to be recovering from an addiction but still having to resist it every day for the rest of your life.

I feel I have to resist every day the temptation to quit — to quit school, quit being an artist, quit my job. I don’t understand this vicious cycle of mountain to valley feelings. I don’t personally feel sad or mad or whatever; I most often feel like, “Why do this? What’s the point?”

Each Sunday when I’ve finished another week of work or school, I feel vindicated, as if I’m an alcoholic who made it sober from one AA meeting to the next. I want to cheer for myself for something others do easily and would roll their eyes at me for.

My thought process is one of worry. I read Matthew 6:25-34 often enough that I should let it all go, but then I have to pray: Father, I know you SAY not to worry, but do you really mean ME?

Matthew 6:34 (NIV)
“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

Yeah. I know…

I love how right about the time I write about having a better attitude about everything (yes, new and improved!), I find myself sinking. It’s right about the time I declare I can take NO for an answer that I get a big ole fat NO thrown in my face where a YES was so certain and promised.

But, let’s focus. I sat in math class yesterday, confused (noooooo!) about the processes the teacher was attempting to teach, and a voice inside my head said, “You don’t really need this class anyway. You don’t really need any of it. No one is making you do this. Get up. Leave. It’s too hard.”

And I wanted to, oh, how I wanted to.

Is this what someone with an addiction goes through? Is my addiction quitting? Is it mockery to say I have a problem, an addiction, if it’s not attached to putting something bad into my body? Is it not sometimes worse the thoughts I allow into my mind? Or is that what often leads good people to pick up a bottle, a pipe, a needle, to stick one’s own finger down their throat…?

I tried yesterday to focus on something outside of me. I chose my commute to school. I chose to spend some time in photography. And I chose to air my thoughts, because to keep them inside my head only gives them room to spread throughout the rest of me like a cancer.

(I think we’ve established I have issues. Let’s not go there.)

Taken the day before, this is a high view of the road I travel to school:

Of course, though, feeling wibbly-wobbly on things, this is the way things looked to and from school:

This is how I feel often, like I’m driving around yet another corner, into clouds that do not at all reveal anything about what’s next:

This was taken AT school, where it looked like someone was erasing the sky and the top of the foothills, something I sometimes feel like doing to myself:

This too shall pass. Again.

I only wish the news had been broken to me in this same way, with puppy pictures…

Because how could you be mad if you’re looking at cute puppy pictures?

Such sweetness to go along with frustrating news.

Our RGM has moved to a new store.

And I was passed over.

Despite all things pointing to the fact that I was supposed to take over my store.

Including pretty words like, “When *NAME* leaves, you’ll take over, whether it’s tomorrow or six months from now.”

So much for that!

Stupid emotions. I went in the freezer and cried. I sniveled to God that I know He has His plans, but dang it if I don’t feel used right now.

Alas, we can’t always get what we want, and sometimes perhaps we are protected from what we think we want.

Who knows?

Well, He does.

*Not my dog. Was babysitting her. Shortly after these shots, she began to really hate me. Because I tried to put her leash on her to take her outside. Her hate manifested itself into scary growling, in which I informed her she could just pee her pants then, thankyouverymuch.