agk’s beautiful life » snapshots of a work-in-progress life

I know what you’re thinking! And if you’re not thinking it, you’re thinking about thinking it. No?

I done gone and changed the look of my blog AGAIN!!! Then…nothing for days. I swear, it’s enough that I have time to shower these days. (Oh…wait…THAT’S what I smell!) I wanted a fresh, clean change for spring, and so there ya go. But I’ve been swamped with school work. And when I’m not doing that, I’m with the family and/or taking pictures. Yet, I barely have time to do anything WITH the pictures or to write words to tell you what’s up. It will likely take several returns for me to finish this blog entry, for example. Oh well.

(Just thought I’d note here that it’s a whole different day now from when I started this. See?)

On Tuesday, we went to the skate park, but due to my extraordinary amount of school work, I spent most of the time in the car, studying. I should note, though, that it was some of the best studying time I’ve had in awhile. Seems without the ability to go attend to laundry or housework (or e-mail, Twitter, or Facebook), I was able to really concentrate. (Too bad I was studying the wrong chapter. Must. Learn. To. Read. Directions. Properly.)

Canon EOS 40D, 24-70mm lens

But, I did get out of the car a few times and got some shots in. It’s a terrible addiction, so staying away was hard - hard, I tell you!

(more…)

…if my glass being half-full makes you want to gag.

This morning, I sat outside for a long time. The sun was shining and there was a slight breeze, which would normally at this time of year be chilly, but not today. (I think I have a fever, which would account for the not feeling chilly part, but bright side! It felt good.)

I soaked in that sun, listening to the wind blowing, taking in the scent of pine. Squirrels chased each other in trees, and crows squawked overhead. Only every once in a while did the sounds of traffic carry to my ears. It was a blessed time, especially after the long night and a tough Friday.

(more…)

Canon EOS 40D, 24-70mm lens

This weekend, I’m swearing off all homework. No studying. Just time to relax, enjoy life, take pictures, whatever. NO SCHOOL WORK. (Man, I hope I mean it!)

Canon EOS 40D 10.1MP Digital SLR Camera, 24-70mm lens

I’m thankful that I’m not always sick like this. That, in fact, I’ve been healthy longer in the last almost-year than I was in the previous two years.
 
 

Canon EOS 40D 10.1MP Digital SLR Camera, 24-70mm lens

Even though I find it challenging, I’m really thankful that I can “attend” college from home, especially on days when I can barely move. (I’m surrounded here by my psychology and English work.)
 
 

Canon EOS 40D 10.1MP Digital SLR Camera, 24-70mm lens

I am so thankful for technology, more now than ever — as it allows us to communicate with my son, who is currently in India.
 
 

And thus ends a full month of The One Word Project. Thank you, Shutter Sisters, for the idea and fun. I found it challenging at times to really focus in on what I have to be thankful for. Some days it was easy and obvious, and other days, like being sick, it was tougher to find … But I enjoyed it!

I’ve noticed it. It’s tiny. Subtle. But it’s there. A sparkle of satisfaction. A hint of sunshine happiness. A creative mind returning.

It’s in this house, not just in me alone.

The husband’s supplies finally arrived, and when I got home from school (and an ortho appointment), he was already hard at work on his first project:

Someone has an audience…no one ever watches me through windows when I work!

I got right to work myself, on my homework, and also on my schedule for the spring semester. Can you believe I’m THIS………CLOSE to finishing my first semester of college? Wowsa!

I have had to make a few adjustments to my previously all-worked-out schedule. Turns out, I have to take film photography before I can take digital. Which worries me just a tad since I, uh, you know…gave away my film SLR camera. Yeah. Will I have to buy one just for this course? No idea yet. I’ll have to wait until summer or fall before I can take anything in this area anyway (they are set up with class 1 in the fall, class 2 in the spring, with few time exceptions).

My new schedule swapped out the English class for Humanities: Modern World, and then Sociology as an online class. So, looks like I’ll be a little busier from January 21 through May 12. I’ll try to remember to breathe a little.

The atmosphere in the house is really cool right now. The kids are at school, and I’m sitting here writing while the husband works a few feet away. Music is playing softly, and the dog is at my feet. I wish I never had to go back to the restaurant. (Unfortunately, I’m on stand-by, as my eldest called to see if I could come in as backup if he starts getting overwhelmed. It IS election day, after all!) (Go Vote!)

I begin almost every morning in some sort of quiet time with myself and my bible, journal, daily devotional, and coffee (candles optional). In case you haven’t realized it, I’m a huge thinker. I think and rethink as often as my heart beats. My mind is constantly working on a new fix, be it work-related, career-related, or self-related.

This morning, after my readings, I settled in at the computer to work on my school schedule for next semester. I am sure I wore out the refresh button on Firefox as I tried day after day to access the new online listing of schedules (early registration is this next Monday and I wanted to be ready!). This semester has been quite the roller coaster for me, but I stand behind earlier statements I made about loving it, truly.

My problem last week stemmed more from the job woes, if that makes sense. In a sort of random and erratic episode of feelings, I convinced myself that leaving school for the J.O.B. was the best thing to do. But you know what? We’ve never been money people. Perhaps that is what makes me such a good candidate to be my artist self — money is not the destination I seek. Happiness is.

Last night, I sighed kind of loudly, expressing outwardly without realizing it the constant turmoil and confusion in my head. A co-worker asked, “Are you OK?” I smiled. “Sure!” I said. “It’s just…my work life sucks.” “Well, that’s pretty specific,” she said. “Yeah, well, I think the rest of my life is beautiful. I’m just feeling even more discombobulated than usual about my work life.”

And it’s true. Ever since I’ve pursued this direction of management, I’ve felt more and more unsettled. This week, meeting the new area coach and having my raise granted to me, I just felt…like I was selling out. To myself. To who I am. All for what, the pursuit of more money?

I don’t feel I am the right person for this job. I think I’m too nice for it, to be honest. And I think I take my work too close to my heart to be effective. I lead with my emotions more often than not. I don’t know how to be the hardnosed boss I am expected to me, and frankly, do I really want to learn how to do that? I’m a care-free, mellow person. I personally don’t care if you wear a funky belt with your uniform — I’m all about expression as long as it doesn’t hurt someone or break the rules. And apparently it does break the rules, as I found out when I was TOLD to remove my Halloween earrings (little Wizard of Oz-ish earrings that so many customers LOVED!) because it was wrong. Have I mentioned how I hate for people to tell me how to look? Guess it’s a good thing my hair was a normal color again…

I believe I have great leadership qualities, and people look to me and up to me, but I don’t believe I have what it takes in this kind of world. I haven’t felt good about the decision to pursue being the RGM since, well, the day it came up. But, like usual, I felt I needed to be the one to do something since the store was going to hell in a hand basket. Now? We have a great new manager, and I really feel I can do better work supporting him. I don’t HAVE to be the boss all the time!

So I thought on these feelings this morning. And as I chose my classes for next semester and reviewed my grades thus far for this one*, I couldn’t help but decide once and for all, this is where I have to draw the line. I can’t sell myself out. School is important to me, as is my creative self. Working as an RGM will not only take away from school, but I feel I will slowly die inside. Is that too dramatic? I don’t think so, honestly.

Yesterday I told my public speaking teacher I’d be happy to give a presentation at the Women’s Re-entry Program. Maybe I’ll find myself speaking more, and maybe it will lead to filling the gap in our finances. Or maybe this whole dream of mine could really work out. If I believe and work at it as much as I was working toward something I didn’t really want, doesn’t that mean it’s possible? Because if I follow my heart, surely the rest will all come together. And I’ll be a happier self all the way around. I have to put my hope into that.

Perhaps the raise will be revoked, or perhaps I’ll be demoted entirely (of course, how badly would that hurt considering last night I had to quickly deliver some pizzas because the day driver had to leave before the night drivers arrived, and I suddenly found my hourly rate doubled in the matter of 15 minutes). Perhaps being passed over was, as I said before, the decision being made for me to avoid my ending up somewhere I thought I should be but didn’t really need to be.

*My grades right now are: Math, 92; Public Speaking, 97; and PC Applications, 96. And YES! I did well on yesterday’s math test. I made a 95!!!

My chosen classes for next semester are:

Mondays & Wednesdays
8:30-9:45 Pre-Algebra**
10:00-11:15 English Comp. I
11:30-12:45 Intercultural Communications
1:00-2:15 20th Century World History

Fridays @ Downtown Studio
8:30-10:10 Digital Photography I

**For those just tuning in, I’m quite weak in math, so nope, these aren’t college-level math classes yet.

See? Does it LOOK like I have time for the RGM thing? What’s MORE important? This, I say.

These are the days of my life. (and like this, there are many words in my head, constant)

Why always “not yet”? Do flowers in spring say “not yet”? ~Norman Douglas

Thursday - Demand raise? (Well, ask for one politely but sternly.) Check.

Was told it’s only a maybe, and at what kind of raise, who knows…but I named my price. Now I wait.*

Monday Morning - Cry in public speaking class? Check.

I’ll admit it, I wasn’t ready to give my most recent speech. Time has been so limited, I felt my most unprepared. But that was nothing compared to how I felt when the teacher informed me it was make-up day and I had a speech to make up. A speech I had previously thought she said was OK not to do since she didn’t really get to see everyone give theirs at the zoo. A speech I had long since put out of my mind.

“I guess I’ll take a zero,” I said, feeling the tears well up. (And just what IS IT with all the crying lately?) “You won’t even try?” she asked. I swallowed the lump in my throat. I didn’t answer.

But then I said “to hell with it,” and I took a moment to recall as much information as I could about my zoo animal, trying to remember what all I wrote weeks ago, and then choked back the blubbering that was threatening to overtake me. I gave my speech the best I could, and then had to turn around and do the new one.

I was shaking like a leaf, and then my teacher said she wanted to torture me some more. Luckily, she only meant by way of asking me to consider giving my speech for the Women’s Re-entry Program. I guess if a professional speaker thinks I should be speaking more, I should take that as high compliments!

(After, I went to see an advisor and I changed my major once and for all to photography.)

Monday Afternoon - Go to interview with photo studio. Done.

It might not be creative work, but it’s definitely more in the photography direction than the restaurant is. By evening, I received a call back for a second interview.

Tuesday - Second interview. Not Done.

Contract and details sent via e-mail. Not an option for me. Sounds too much like a J.O.B. to me. Hear me out: You work approximately 3 days a week, having traveled to wherever they have set you up with approximately 150 families. ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY! Sounds like an assembly line to me.

“Next. — Smile. — *click* — Have a nice day. — Next.”

Talk about something that would zap all my creativity and love of photography. Not to mention the part where the days before the “sessions” I’d have to call all these people to be sure they are still coming. Not to mention the part where I can’t advertise my own business or have one as long as I work for them. Not to mention the part where the contract sounded too suspicious. I passed.

To change one’s life: Start immediately. Do it flamboyantly. No exceptions. ~William James

But it really made me think.

I also stopped in on Monday at a studio that had previously advertised for an assistant. (I was too late for the position, but I was invited to stop by anyway.) And though the owner wasn’t in, I fell in love. From the moment I walked in and saw everything (and smelled the delicious scents she had filled the studio with), that old feeling came rushing back. I want a studio!

Which brings us to…figuring it all out so I can achieve what I wish to achieve. Practice, practice, practice as a photographer. Shoot away, constantly. Learn. Study. Do this, for heaven’s sake!

While I love the idea of being an on-location photographer, and I expect to do just that, I also love the idea of having a place that is just for photography, for making beautiful memories for families (and I don’t mean the kind where you stand in front of a blue background and I make you say “Bananas!”), and for displaying my scenes of Colorado and my more artsy kinds of shots. I even love the idea of sharing space with my husband, where he would work on his special effects in one room while I do the lovely stuff in another (his will inevitably be the scary stuff, but hey, some people will be drawn to that, and oh yes do I ever have ideas on how he and I can collaborate, and I love Tonya’s husband’s idea of the flip business card, found here).

I’d very much love it if we could find a home that offers just such the perfect area, where we could both find ourselves eventually working from home. How beautiful that would be!

You may delay, but time will not. ~Benjamin Franklin

I move onward with the RGM thing at work for one reason: It’s a J.O.B. that I can count on right now, and one that leads to much better income…that can help better afford the ideas and hopes (and equipment, let’s face it) I have (need). And it’s not forever. Lord knows it’s not, even if I wanted it to be. Eventually, all RGMs are fired, and those who aren’t fired become trainers or area coaches…who are on call…and drained. That’s not the life for me.

I’m an artist. Time to start really acting like one.

*So, I got the raise. Not a bad one, either. But at what price? I shall elaborate another day. For now, I have to focus on the math test I have today. Wish me luck. This stuff gets harder every day!