agk’s beautiful life » snapshots of a work-in-progress life

…why not really claim it?

I look down into the yawning space that is our living room area and I realize I’ve been overlooking a treasure.

Before we moved in

I had a moment when I saw Andrea’s studio space…one where I longed to have such a place where I could feel so creative. And then it dawned on me that this is our house (not technically, but for over 2 years now), and we live here, so who cares if it looks like a living room or a studio?

* * *

I’m currently playing a little game I like to call NAME THAT PHOTO BIZ! As creative as I think I am, I am having beaucoup amounts of trouble in naming my future business, and while I KNOW that is not a make-or-break matter right now, I’ve always been a name/title person. I am most often launched into ideas because of a name. Most of my blog entries stem from a title that conveniently pops into my head. So I almost feel a little stalled not having a biz name.

Now, I could of course just go with my name, but no one knows how to say it. I’ve tried that. I tell people, even write it down, and inevitably, they go looking online for Angela Cloak or Angela Clock. “I couldn’t find you!” they say. So then I thought, hey, let’s make this easy: Angela K Photography! But…then I Googled, and found her. So.

I’d actually like a name this is not MY name, but for whatever reason, I can’t think of anything that isn’t too blah or too cutesy. If I only planned to specialize in babies, cutesy would work, but I really want to spread my wings. And somehow I feel that AGK is so a part of my writing world, that when I tried to translate it, it felt wrong somehow.

So here I am, playing a game when I really just need to set that aside and move on. There, I’ll do that. Set it aside. Move on.

* * *

The husband and I took a little trip to a store for him to check prices on supplies he’ll need for his biz (speaking of trying to come up with names, we’re working on HIS, too!), and while he didn’t really find what HE needs, oh my goodness did I ever find a treasure. I suddenly know which direction I am taking MY studio idea. I’m so excited!

As Ms. Lewis said in our first week in school, “Dreams are reality just waiting to happen.” My reality is waiting to happen. It will be!

A few shots along the way (passenger-seat-shooting)…

* * *

And touching a bit on what I said yesterday, when I read the following, I felt warm and fuzzy because, even though I know I’m not alone, it’s always nice to see someone else say the same thing.

“However, being an artist, ultimately, is who I am. And trying to be something I am not was, quite literally, soul-killing.” - Karen Walrond in an interview at Kelly Rae’s place, which I found via Superhero Journal (and though Karen and I appear to be different people [ummm...because we are, obviously!], I totally could have answered almost every question in that interview the same way, especially about being afraid to dream big — but I am absolutely aiming to do just that, and to LIVE big!)

*Is it just me or are my writings getting longer and longer here? Guess I’ll have no reasons why I can’t complete NaNoWriMo this year!

I begin almost every morning in some sort of quiet time with myself and my bible, journal, daily devotional, and coffee (candles optional). In case you haven’t realized it, I’m a huge thinker. I think and rethink as often as my heart beats. My mind is constantly working on a new fix, be it work-related, career-related, or self-related.

This morning, after my readings, I settled in at the computer to work on my school schedule for next semester. I am sure I wore out the refresh button on Firefox as I tried day after day to access the new online listing of schedules (early registration is this next Monday and I wanted to be ready!). This semester has been quite the roller coaster for me, but I stand behind earlier statements I made about loving it, truly.

My problem last week stemmed more from the job woes, if that makes sense. In a sort of random and erratic episode of feelings, I convinced myself that leaving school for the J.O.B. was the best thing to do. But you know what? We’ve never been money people. Perhaps that is what makes me such a good candidate to be my artist self — money is not the destination I seek. Happiness is.

Last night, I sighed kind of loudly, expressing outwardly without realizing it the constant turmoil and confusion in my head. A co-worker asked, “Are you OK?” I smiled. “Sure!” I said. “It’s just…my work life sucks.” “Well, that’s pretty specific,” she said. “Yeah, well, I think the rest of my life is beautiful. I’m just feeling even more discombobulated than usual about my work life.”

And it’s true. Ever since I’ve pursued this direction of management, I’ve felt more and more unsettled. This week, meeting the new area coach and having my raise granted to me, I just felt…like I was selling out. To myself. To who I am. All for what, the pursuit of more money?

I don’t feel I am the right person for this job. I think I’m too nice for it, to be honest. And I think I take my work too close to my heart to be effective. I lead with my emotions more often than not. I don’t know how to be the hardnosed boss I am expected to me, and frankly, do I really want to learn how to do that? I’m a care-free, mellow person. I personally don’t care if you wear a funky belt with your uniform — I’m all about expression as long as it doesn’t hurt someone or break the rules. And apparently it does break the rules, as I found out when I was TOLD to remove my Halloween earrings (little Wizard of Oz-ish earrings that so many customers LOVED!) because it was wrong. Have I mentioned how I hate for people to tell me how to look? Guess it’s a good thing my hair was a normal color again…

I believe I have great leadership qualities, and people look to me and up to me, but I don’t believe I have what it takes in this kind of world. I haven’t felt good about the decision to pursue being the RGM since, well, the day it came up. But, like usual, I felt I needed to be the one to do something since the store was going to hell in a hand basket. Now? We have a great new manager, and I really feel I can do better work supporting him. I don’t HAVE to be the boss all the time!

So I thought on these feelings this morning. And as I chose my classes for next semester and reviewed my grades thus far for this one*, I couldn’t help but decide once and for all, this is where I have to draw the line. I can’t sell myself out. School is important to me, as is my creative self. Working as an RGM will not only take away from school, but I feel I will slowly die inside. Is that too dramatic? I don’t think so, honestly.

Yesterday I told my public speaking teacher I’d be happy to give a presentation at the Women’s Re-entry Program. Maybe I’ll find myself speaking more, and maybe it will lead to filling the gap in our finances. Or maybe this whole dream of mine could really work out. If I believe and work at it as much as I was working toward something I didn’t really want, doesn’t that mean it’s possible? Because if I follow my heart, surely the rest will all come together. And I’ll be a happier self all the way around. I have to put my hope into that.

Perhaps the raise will be revoked, or perhaps I’ll be demoted entirely (of course, how badly would that hurt considering last night I had to quickly deliver some pizzas because the day driver had to leave before the night drivers arrived, and I suddenly found my hourly rate doubled in the matter of 15 minutes). Perhaps being passed over was, as I said before, the decision being made for me to avoid my ending up somewhere I thought I should be but didn’t really need to be.

*My grades right now are: Math, 92; Public Speaking, 97; and PC Applications, 96. And YES! I did well on yesterday’s math test. I made a 95!!!

My chosen classes for next semester are:

Mondays & Wednesdays
8:30-9:45 Pre-Algebra**
10:00-11:15 English Comp. I
11:30-12:45 Intercultural Communications
1:00-2:15 20th Century World History

Fridays @ Downtown Studio
8:30-10:10 Digital Photography I

**For those just tuning in, I’m quite weak in math, so nope, these aren’t college-level math classes yet.

See? Does it LOOK like I have time for the RGM thing? What’s MORE important? This, I say.

These are the days of my life. (and like this, there are many words in my head, constant)

Why always “not yet”? Do flowers in spring say “not yet”? ~Norman Douglas

Thursday - Demand raise? (Well, ask for one politely but sternly.) Check.

Was told it’s only a maybe, and at what kind of raise, who knows…but I named my price. Now I wait.*

Monday Morning - Cry in public speaking class? Check.

I’ll admit it, I wasn’t ready to give my most recent speech. Time has been so limited, I felt my most unprepared. But that was nothing compared to how I felt when the teacher informed me it was make-up day and I had a speech to make up. A speech I had previously thought she said was OK not to do since she didn’t really get to see everyone give theirs at the zoo. A speech I had long since put out of my mind.

“I guess I’ll take a zero,” I said, feeling the tears well up. (And just what IS IT with all the crying lately?) “You won’t even try?” she asked. I swallowed the lump in my throat. I didn’t answer.

But then I said “to hell with it,” and I took a moment to recall as much information as I could about my zoo animal, trying to remember what all I wrote weeks ago, and then choked back the blubbering that was threatening to overtake me. I gave my speech the best I could, and then had to turn around and do the new one.

I was shaking like a leaf, and then my teacher said she wanted to torture me some more. Luckily, she only meant by way of asking me to consider giving my speech for the Women’s Re-entry Program. I guess if a professional speaker thinks I should be speaking more, I should take that as high compliments!

(After, I went to see an advisor and I changed my major once and for all to photography.)

Monday Afternoon - Go to interview with photo studio. Done.

It might not be creative work, but it’s definitely more in the photography direction than the restaurant is. By evening, I received a call back for a second interview.

Tuesday - Second interview. Not Done.

Contract and details sent via e-mail. Not an option for me. Sounds too much like a J.O.B. to me. Hear me out: You work approximately 3 days a week, having traveled to wherever they have set you up with approximately 150 families. ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY! Sounds like an assembly line to me.

“Next. — Smile. — *click* — Have a nice day. — Next.”

Talk about something that would zap all my creativity and love of photography. Not to mention the part where the days before the “sessions” I’d have to call all these people to be sure they are still coming. Not to mention the part where I can’t advertise my own business or have one as long as I work for them. Not to mention the part where the contract sounded too suspicious. I passed.

To change one’s life: Start immediately. Do it flamboyantly. No exceptions. ~William James

But it really made me think.

I also stopped in on Monday at a studio that had previously advertised for an assistant. (I was too late for the position, but I was invited to stop by anyway.) And though the owner wasn’t in, I fell in love. From the moment I walked in and saw everything (and smelled the delicious scents she had filled the studio with), that old feeling came rushing back. I want a studio!

Which brings us to…figuring it all out so I can achieve what I wish to achieve. Practice, practice, practice as a photographer. Shoot away, constantly. Learn. Study. Do this, for heaven’s sake!

While I love the idea of being an on-location photographer, and I expect to do just that, I also love the idea of having a place that is just for photography, for making beautiful memories for families (and I don’t mean the kind where you stand in front of a blue background and I make you say “Bananas!”), and for displaying my scenes of Colorado and my more artsy kinds of shots. I even love the idea of sharing space with my husband, where he would work on his special effects in one room while I do the lovely stuff in another (his will inevitably be the scary stuff, but hey, some people will be drawn to that, and oh yes do I ever have ideas on how he and I can collaborate, and I love Tonya’s husband’s idea of the flip business card, found here).

I’d very much love it if we could find a home that offers just such the perfect area, where we could both find ourselves eventually working from home. How beautiful that would be!

You may delay, but time will not. ~Benjamin Franklin

I move onward with the RGM thing at work for one reason: It’s a J.O.B. that I can count on right now, and one that leads to much better income…that can help better afford the ideas and hopes (and equipment, let’s face it) I have (need). And it’s not forever. Lord knows it’s not, even if I wanted it to be. Eventually, all RGMs are fired, and those who aren’t fired become trainers or area coaches…who are on call…and drained. That’s not the life for me.

I’m an artist. Time to start really acting like one.

*So, I got the raise. Not a bad one, either. But at what price? I shall elaborate another day. For now, I have to focus on the math test I have today. Wish me luck. This stuff gets harder every day!

…the first snow of the season. It began while we were at work, and I jumped for joy. I simply adore the snow. (And frankly, had it not snowed and kept me home the next day, I might have gone through with my insane idea to withdraw from school.)

Photo Friday
From this day on, my goal with any photo meme I participate in is to take a new photo based on the theme, not find one I already have, even if it was taken just shortly before the theme was posted…

That’s the title of the book I will be writing for NaNoWriMo. And just what makes you think it might be based on stuff I’ve been through with myself? HA!

I’m just taking a break to come up for air from school work and work itself…to remind you to, uh, you know…take breaks, enjoy days off, live life, and remember that bad days with bad thoughts pass. Make no decisions on bad days. Let them pass in thought only. Allow yourself to think and feel, but sometimes, you simply cannot act on the pains, frustrations, or confusions that fill your life.

And don’t be so hard on yourself.

All I know about my book is that my aim is to make it funny, to find the humor in the ways and whys of my past quittings. To not take myself so seriously. To be nicer to me because I just am who I am, and the sooner I can accept that, the better off I’ll be.

And speaking of not taking one’s self too seriously, here’s a little trip down memory lane in honor of the husband renewing his own creative self.

Remember this?

Aaaahhhh…good times. And yes, that’s a real set of black eyes from the weight of the plaster on my already sensitive and cracked nose.

At any rate, coming soon…John M. Klocke, Special Effects Artist!

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind. ~Dr. Seuss

Don’t live down to expectations. Go out there and do something remarkable. ~Wendy Wasserstein

There is a lot of pressure that goes with trying to be a role model to those around you. It’s hard to have bad days, to feel discouraged, when people are looking up to you. I’ve always found this to be true as a mother, but now I’m finding it spreads throughout the other parts of my life, too.

This week, I shared with one of my young employees, who is also a college student, that I was leaving school. Yes, for about 24 hours, I’d made up my mind that I needed to leave, that it wasn’t working. I even wrote out a (quite defensive) post about it. By the end, I wrote:

“My decisions don’t have to be right or wrong — they just have to be OK with me, because ultimately, I’m the one I have to face in the mirror, not anyone else. If I can look into my own eyes and be fine with what I’ve decided, then I know how far I’ve come in my personal growth. In the end, I’m the one I have to answer to.”

Of course, while I AM the only one I have to answer to, that doesn’t mean I don’t have a certain obligation to answer to others, too. Because when you care about those around you, you can’t make decisions selfishly.

At any rate, I was not after all able to look myself in the mirror. Nor was I able to look at my family or friends. I found that when I was ashamed to say in front of my kids that I was leaving (Who are we kidding? It’s quitting…), there was a real issue. You can’t be comfortable with a decision AND ashamed at the same time. I’m sure of that much!

Like this barren tree, its limbs empty, I have felt this week. The emotions have been overwhelming. The initial news of NO* came with it the extra weight of employees/friends asking me to be patient, not to quit. “Please, for me,” they begged. And I felt another emotion: Anger. For you? What about ME? For a bit, I felt selfish. Why does my life revolve around everyone else?

Yet, truth is truth. I am the momma bear, the protector, the caregiver, the shepherd. I don’t loath my role. I love it. But it is often too heavy for me to carry, and I will forget to look up and ask for help.

The look of disappointment on my young employee’s face hurt. She tried to nod in understanding, but I could see her sadness. It’s not that my decisions directly affect her. More like, she apparently looks up to me, and what do you do when someone you look up to makes a questionable decision? It can sting a little!

People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within. ~Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

Living your life for yourself is a double-edged sword. While you have to reach a point where you don’t care if people don’t agree with you being yourself, you also have a certain responsibility to be the best YOU that you can be, because someone is always watching and learning and growing. It’s not just about your own children. It’s about the world around you. What’s important? WHO is important?

Something I can rest easy on is, while I will sometimes feel bare like the tree above, spring comes back around and the leaves come back. Luckily, I don’t have to wait so long. Each new day is a new beginning and another second chance.

It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves. ~Edmund Hillary

*Be patient. The new RGM seems like a pretty cool dude. And he wants his own store elsewhere. Not this one. He calls this my store, that he’s just here long enough to get me fully and properly trained. Another possible 3 months. I will remain patient.

As we get closer to November and NaNoWriMo, I have been asked by a friend at work how in the world I really plan to write a whole novel in a month. The truth is, I can’t even go by “I’ve done it once so I can do it again,” because in 2006, I wasn’t working AND attending school. I wrote that book in 17 days - a true miracle for me. This time? Who knows…

This is what my life looks like these days:

Sunday - 9 a.m. Sunday school class; 10:30 church services; home by noon — relax, but usually it’s catch up on homework day.

Monday - Up at 5 a.m.; out the door at 7:30 for an 8:30 class; home by 1:30 p.m.; homework until kids get home; reading, relaxation, cooking dinner.

Tuesday - Grocery shopping and errands; study for whichever test I’ll have the next day (there always seems to be at least one); household chores; off to work at 4 p.m. till close (up until recently, I was working double shifts on Tuesdays); collapse in bed somewhere around 11 p.m.

Wednesday - See Monday, except…off to work at 4 p.m. till close.

Thursday - Go back to bed most Thursdays after kids leave for school because I’m just that tired; meet with area coach at 3 p.m. to train to be RGM; work 5 p.m. until close; collapse in bed somewhere around midnight.

Friday - Victim’s Advocate class from 8 a.m. until 2 p.m. (well, something already removed, but I left it in as an example of how things change so rapidly — I am unable to do this now as my schedule is too full); managers’ meet at 3:30; work from 4 until close (close at 10 on this night); collapse in bed around midnight again.

Saturday - Sleep in as long as possible (luckily the whole family likes to sleep in) unless I’m needed at work to cover a shift; housework, time with kids, time with husband; off to work at 4 until close (again, 10 p.m.); collapse in bed eventually, whenever, only to begin again first thing Sunday morning.

Somewhere in there, I find myself at the orthodontist’s office, or conferences, or walking the dog, or paying the bills.

I love my life, I truly do. But I have to have just a touch of insanity to even want to attempt this NaNoWriMo thing, and yet, here I go!

PS - I’m out of that pesky valley I was hanging in for a few days. Thanks for bearing with me. How about some sunny, happy photos!

This shot just cracks me up. My boy always keeps an eye on his mommy, even when he’s busy trying to hang his head out the window on country road drives.