Digging for me
Written by agk on July 16, 2008 – 8:42 am -This morning, I found myself a little disappointed not to be pregnant. I haven’t been trying to get pregnant, as that would be silly — I had a tubal ligation in early ‘98. But still, when there was a small peephole of possibility, I found I wanted it. Hoped for it. Prayed for it. Of course, God knows what is best for me, and besides…the firstborn just turned 18. How crazy would it be to start all over?
That aside, I remind myself sometimes that it’s being a mom that I know I’m good at. When nothing else in life has ever worked out, the one thing I have been able to do is be a good mom. So as the children grow older (the baby is almost 12), it sets off a little panic alarm inside of me. Time is almost up! They’re almost grown! What then?
It’s not at all as if I don’t have my own dreams and aspirations. On the contrary, I have more than I can keep up with. However, self-esteem, it hasn’t always been my best friend, and so when things haven’t worked out, I’ve found it easy to let go of this or that. I could always settle back on that one thing I was good at: parenting. But the kidlings, even though they need me now more than ever, they also don’t need me the same way they used to. I’ve graduated from hovering and cutting food into small bites to … just sort of being there when a new crisis hits for them. I’m the one who drives them to orthodontist appointments and buys them new shoes every couple of months, but I’m no longer the one they need to get through each hour of the day.
Eye-opening. I knew the day would come. I may have even tried to prepare myself for it before, but not until it arrives do you realize how life-changing it is. It is perhaps for that reason that I found myself hoping for another baby. That way, I never have to really concentrate on ME.
But next month, I start college. The very idea of it both excites and scares the heebie-jeebies out of me! And I want to go back to juggling. Not the real kind with balls and bowling pins, but the kind where I am busy with life, with the kids, with work, and with my passions. I find I’m…more stable when I’m balancing. The more I have on my TO DO list, the more complete I often feel. I know I operate well under those conditions, despite the many people who try to get me to slow down. The thing is, every time I listen to someone else, and not me, I find I get lazy or confused or whatever all over again.
I’m digging for who I am and how I work best, not other people. I’m no longer listening to advice that conflicts with who I am. We don’t all fit into one neat little mold, so I refuse to try anymore just for the sake of other people.
Do you know who you are? Really?
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