9 times out of 10, I have no idea what I’m doing

So, I need to stop that.

I’m just a girl, standing here in front of you, afraid, fearless, alive, creative, boring, up, down…human. Do I know what I want? Sometimes. Do I know what I need? Deep down, yes. Do I have any idea what I’m doing? Hardly.

I spoke with a university advisor last week who advised me to follow my heart. It’s familiar advice since it’s what I can often be found saying to others. I try to remind myself of the same as much as possible, but I stray so easily. I forget that it’s just as important for ME as it is for everyone else. I said to the advisor, “Everyone has my back…expect me.” Which made me sad. Why don’t I believe enough in myself, believe the way others do, or even at least believe enough in myself the way I believe in other people. Aren’t I worthy? Of course I am!

What is hard for me is that I know I come to this very same conclusion every couple of months, usually AFTER I’m at my breaking point. Why I keep trying to fit into the mold others think I should fit into is beyond me. But when things aren’t happening fast, I get it into my pretty little head that I’m doing it all wrong. And rather than try something new within my chosen field of work, I start thinking I belong somewhere else.

So, I need to stop that.

In 1999, I entered the online world for the first time. I stood at the edge, full of hopes and dreams. By the end of that year, I was on my way. I didn’t doubt myself (much), nor did I believe I wouldn’t make it. I jumped in, the water was fine, and I swam! I feel myself at that very same kind of beginning again. I’m clueless and don’t know what to do, but at the same time, I just want TO DO. That worked out pretty well last time. And though I am 10 years older and so much wiser (right? no?), I’m definitely more scared this time around. The writing world isn’t the same today as it was 10 years ago. Then again, neither am I.

This time around, I want to be the writer I want to be, the one I desire to be, not the one that does what everyone else says I should do. And more than anything, I want to write…not write about wanting to be a writer. I’ve done that. I’ve written advice for others on how they should follow their own writing dreams, and that was fun and great, but I stood still while they shot forward. I will be a writer, not one who dreams about writing or writes about writing.

So, I need to stop that.

Write on…