“You’re not good enough!”

I grew up hearing variations of “You’re not good enough.” (“You’ll never amount to anything.” “You’re too stupid.” “Who would want you?” etc…) I wish I could say I grew out of that, that one day I took control of my thoughts and stopped feeling inferior to the world. The truth is, I struggle with it every day. Only now, the voice is mine, a mere echo of what I always heard, but all the same…

I think it hit me again when I overheard a former classmate talking about me when I was only slightly around the corner. (Note to gossipers: You’re really bad at it if you can’t wait for the person to at least be out of earshot. Or maybe you simply don’t care.) We said hello in passing, and then as I stood around the corner posting flyers (part of my job), I heard her say, “She used to be in my psychology class. I guess there was too much hard work for her. She dropped out. I don’t mind hard work.”

Apparently, she needed a pat on the back, but what bothered me is that she assumed I dropped the class because the work was hard. She’d never asked me and I’d never told. But all I could hear in my head is, “She thinks I’m lazy. She thinks I’m stupid.” Even though I know that isn’t what happened, it really kicked me in the gut.

(I actually dropped the class because I’m not fond of teachers who are always late and/or cancel class without notice. I am also not a fan of teachers who can’t communicate or seem to understand simple communication. I am actually taking the class in the spring with a different teacher, a highly recommended teacher. One of the perks to working where I do is that students talk to me about who is good and who isn’t. I listen. It’s how I ended up with my awesome creative writing and math teachers. [extra credit, please!])

Some of the greatest people I know are always saying wonderful things to me, to tell me I’m talented or smart or whatever, and for just a minute, I believe them. But then the whispers begin again and it takes all my strength sometimes not to listen at all.

Truly, though, I know I AM good enough. I am smart and talented and kind and a good mom and wife and friend. I’ve decided from now on, every time something negative tries to enter my pretty little head – whether it’s my own voice or someone else’s – I will battle it with something good. I will cheer myself on the same way I cheer on others. I will believe in myself as much as I believe in you. I promise.