This is Jerry. He’s totally dodging the camera. Which is fine because I wouldn’t show his face anyway without his permission. But I thought it fitting that he’s dodging, because that is exactly what I do.
Jerry likes to come into the office at work and razz me about being a big chicken. A few weeks ago, I shared with my boss my old photo portfolio, one I put together without much attention to detail, but all the same, it features some good work. And she raved, and then shared with her son, and then Jerry came into the office. He looked and liked what he saw. We had previously talked about photography, but now he was seeing that I had been a little serious at one point.
“Why aren’t you doing this?” he asked.
I stuttered and stammered, giving false-start answers, saying not much of anything.
“Oh, you scared. Angela’s scared!”
Gah. I hate when people call me on my fear. I’m the only one allowed to do that. Other people are supposed to say, “No, you have reasons!” so that I can then do the finger-pointing myself.
Jerry is so right. So is every person out there who has ever been honest enough with me to tell me I’m being scared. My husband tells me all the time not to let fear keep me down, and then I say okay, sure honey, I got your message loud and clear, and then I go hide and be scared some more.
In my head, I’m very brave. I jump out into the world and DO THINGS. In reality, I have the best of intentions, but I rarely fully act. Like my response to Jerry, I stutter and stammer out false starts, shooting off like a rocket when the gun goes off, but slowing only a few feet later, and then I duck behind someone else who’s running the race and cheer them on instead.
“You scared!”
I am. Why? I don’t know. But I’m tired of it. I’m tired of shrinking back, not striking out into the world. I’m tired of KNOWING I can do something but then not doing it, waiting until it’s too late, and then wishing again I had done something. It’s easy to declare I will be fearless, but it’s so much harder to walk that talk.
I don’t want to be scared. I want to do what I need to do and what I want to do, without fear hanging over my head, whispering in my ear, tempting me back into my comfort zone. I want to share what needs to be shared, work with the people who need me, live the dreams I have, and be the best example I can be for my children.
I want to be fearless!
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